Trust God in stress

Jan and I often take up the bargain meals in pubs at lunchtimes when two eat for the price of one. It seems that this is "cancer for two".

We have found it stressful. Today Jan had an argument with a local bank. Maybe yesterday was my worst day after I looked up the twenty year survival rates, far worse than the frequently quoted 5 year rates. I don't think I have slept right through a night since Jan's diagnosis, yet I take my wakefulness as an opportunity to pray for her in the night. Other indications of stress - I have a cold, I wrote a cheque, forgot to fill in numbers box but just used words, I forgot to tax a car and received a fine in the post, and on 12 Feb I noticed my driving was less attentive then normal, I was even passed by a speeding police car before I even realised he was there.

I ordered 2 of the books I listed yesterday from Amazon, and have done more digging on the Internet. One study http://www.psychosomaticmedicine.org/cgi/content/full/63/1/32 indicated that breast cancer patients’ psychological well-being were higher than their spouses’, so I take heart that my stress is normal, and it is indeed "cancer for two".

From http://jco.ascopubs.org/cgi/content/full/23/15/3588 a spouse is seen as the most important source of support among women with breast cancer. So I am determined to be with her through this. Interestingly other research shows fewer divorces amongst those with breast cancer than the normal population.

And from http://healthlink.mcw.edu/article/917588037.html Almost to a person, husbands and wives reported undergoing personality changes after cancer which they identified as growthful and as taking them to a different and enhanced level of meaning in their lives. This is from a non Christian research group! So we look to God to enrich our lives through this experience.

Jan and I researched cancer individually yesterday. She spoke to someone whose friends have used our local care facilities, I used the Internet. That evening we re-assured each other. We wonder whether to say to the surgeon "please check the lump is still there as we have been praying", or whether that would make us look nut cases and jeopardise her treatment if God hasn't already healed her.

We phoned a long standing Christian friend, shared our news and Jan then chatted for 45 minutes to the wife. I overheard her say "when young she loved life on this earth, but was assured that when she died she would go to be with the Lord. During this illness her position had changed, she wanted to be with her Lord, but was willing to stay alive on earth if that was his will".

So my position at present is I want to understand cancer and peoples' experiences to learn from them. I have set up my account on the MacMillan Cancer care site so that I can use their "Share" discussion group http://share.macmillan.org.uk/Share/. To me their forum seems too "trivial", but it has the benefit that one can ask any question to fellow cancer sufferers, could be invaluable in the future so I have bookmarked the site.

At the same time thanks to those who have sent us cards. One had the quote from Proverbs 3 verse 5, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." So though I want to understand, we are both happy to trust God to keep us through this illness. We don't demand to understand "Why me?" nor fully fathom God's ways. The book of Job has shown us that.

Jan says she has never had a time before when people have been so supportive.